I just need to vent today. I don't know why I live in this pretend world that everything is fine and good. It sets me up to feel discouraged and saddened. Jonah is a lot of work. I start thinking about the future and wonder will it get better? Is this how life is going to be & how long can I endure all of this? Jonah finally is finished going through his withdrawals from the last dose change of steroids. He went through them for 3 whole days and now, it being Sunday he was supposed to be cut another cc. I did not do it, I will call the Doctor tomorrow but I just don't think his system can handle that shock again. I hope I don't get in trouble! Dr. Pfeffer reigns with an Iron fist!
It would be so different if I were a stay at home mom like "regular" stay at home moms. (the kind I pretend to be) I hate worrying that J might pick something up if we go here or there. At the same time I hate being at home, it just reminds me that this is how our life really is. Its hard to live in pretend land when you are dealing with feeding pumps that keep getting clogged and 40 min respiratory treatments. I honestly thought that when we came home from Denver children's hospital Jonah would be a new boy. That all of his problems would be solved and this would all be "how Jonah used to be." I heard the doctor tell me stuff but I am so good at tuning stuff out that I don't want to hear, I think Ive mastered it. Now it has bitten me in my bum. Don't get me wrong I am glad Jonah has a more accurate diagnosis, I just really don't want that one.
I am just tired and upset, I just want a normal life, I want 2 healthy kids, I don't want to explain J's illness anymore I don't want to be fake to everyone, pretending that I am handling this well. I'm not. I just want to throw my hands up and give up.......But I can't. Of course I would do anything under the sun for both kids, it just gets wearing and difficult when you are dealing wit SO much for so long. Maybe this is what I needed just wright a long poor me note and have a good cry. Life... It's such an interesting path.
Jessica, you are a wonderful person who is human!! It would NOT be normal if you didn't have these feelings. I am sending you an email since I don't want to leave a really long comment. But take care and remember you are an amazing person.
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing mom. I think any mom in your shoes would be the same. I feel like I want to give up with healthy kids. so I don't know how you do it. Can I take Morgan for a few hours for you some time? Or help you somehow?
ReplyDeleteWhat's amazing is that you don't feel this way every minute every day! Your ability to pretend is your gift. Grandfather had the same gift (by the way). Without a doubt, your current circumstances suck big time. I suspect this life will continue for years, but not forever. And during that time, things will slowly get a little better (but nothing to jump up and down about). Morgan will be in preschool and school soon. Jonah is progressing. He's a little behind, but he will grow up. We love you so very much. Love and hugs to all.
ReplyDeleteHey Sistah,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all I want you to know what an amazing person you are and how much I admire you as a mom and person. I am so proud of you and how you get up every morning and be the best mom. You love J and M so much and they are lucky to have the fabulous mom you are. You know you can always bring J to me so I can beat him. : ) Anything you need girl I am here for you. Oh, and good luck with Kathy. : )
You are my inspiration in life. I look at Mo and Jo and think how lucky they are to have a mom like you. It is hard no matter what as a mother. I have no idea how you do it and it inspires me everyday. To feel is normal and it is good to let those feelings out. That is why you have friends to help you through tough times. Just let us help. I love you and miss you. I am sorry you are having such a hard time at the moment
ReplyDeleteJessica every dog has there day.Keep your head up, and rembember all the people that love you . I for one admire the mother and loving wife you are. I feel God gives us problems he knows we can handle. I have told my mother(Sherry) time and time again you are the srongest person I have ever met, she always agrees!! I wish you guys were closer so we could be more of a help to you.I would love for Clint to have Auntie Jess for a teacher. I love your blog,you are a great writer. Everything is just perfect on your blog,I wouldn't except different. We love and miss you'll. Come see us soon.
ReplyDeleteAmy