Some days I wish that time would stop ticking away. I need to catch my breath, feel my pulse, and hear my exhale. I need to find my center. I need to feel connected to me once again. I must learn how to stop, how to focus and most importantly how to deal.
I think I have decided to take fall semester off.
No good reason, only that I need a long (really, really long) mental health day (semester). I have been deliberating with my self as to what the "right" decision is and I am at a stand still. Both are reasonable choices... Go to school in the fall, continue towards my higher education, or take time off and re cooperate, acknowledge, digest, except, and center myself from what the last 3+ years has dished out. I still find myself in denial.
Because of that denial I have chosen to turn my cheek and not deal with life in a meaningful way. Instead I cram as much as I can into every second of everyday doing things for everyone.... everyone but me, just so I don't have to deal with the emotions that have been building and building. Oh, and have gained quite a few Lbs too.
Both kids will be in school full time starting Fall. Though this decision makes me feel uneasy, makes me feel like I am a lazy person, makes me feel like I'm letting myself and others down I recognize that this is the attitude and self judgment that I continuously place on myself. Very unhealthy I might add.
Who knows, I may regret this decision or this might be the best choice I have made for my sanity. Because time will continue to go forward I will learn the consequence of this decision soon enough. Let's hope it's a beautiful one.
Morgan & Jonah 2008
Jonah's Great Strides Team
About Me
- Jessica
- Isaac and I started dating when I was sixteen years old and a Jr. in high school. We met at the Beach Boardwalk, on one of those warm santa cruz summer nights. We married three years later in the Salt Lake temple. We then kissed our families good bye and moved out to utah to start our new life together. We immediatly wanted to start a family but that just was not in the stars for us. Five years later we were blessed to find out I was finally pregnant. I was only able to carry our baby for thirteen weeks before I miscarried. I was devistated! Our prayers were answered and three months later I was pregnant again and walking on egg shells. In March of 2006 our beautiful Morgan was born. Then eighteen months later our angel Jonah was brought into this world via C-section. Life has been a roller coaster, many ups but this past year many more downs. Today we are learning to live, laugh and love as a family with the challenges that are thrown our way.
Morgan
Jess & Isaac
6/4/01
Morgan at the farm
California
Jonah
Me & Hubby
Oh my gosh you sound so much like me!! I never take time for myself, everyone else always comes first, and I cram everything in to every second I can.
ReplyDeleteI think its a great idea to take a semester off. From someone that knows what its like to try and do college after you have children. It sucks! Ray took fall off to get Arina, and hasn't started back up because of the move. It makes me crazy, thinking he's only getting older!!